with Relationship Speaker/Author/Coach...
Larry James
Communicating is Not Optional
How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk
Part 4 of 4
Larry James
Step #3 - Have a mutual, low decibel level, interactive conversation:
If you have appreciated being listened to by your partner, then the first time you both enter into a two-way
conversation about your issues, it will be different than previous conversations, hopefully more on target, with an
intention to work together.
No raising of voices. Be calm and collected. No "shooting or shouting matches!" It's about mutual respect.
This is also a time to ask for clarification if you did not fully understand any of your partner's comments. Do
your best to reach some agreeable solutions about your top two or three issues. Do not attempt to fix all your
issues in one session. You can always repeat this valubale process at another time.
When you cannot find an alternative solution that you can agree on, look for an option that is acceptable to
both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough
to be satisfied.
Look at all options. There is never only one solution to every problem. Do your best to translate the big picture
into specific actions that you can mutually agree upon. A common mistake is focusing too much on what you might
lose and not enough on what you both could gain.
You will most likely need to schedule more time to talk over remaining issues as well. You also may need to
schedule additional time to be listened to. I recommend that you do this process more than once to get accustomed
to treating your partner with respect when they have something to say.
Two-way communication breaks down when either partner fails to communicate in return or when one partner holds
on to being "right" about their position without any regard for the happiness of the relationship.
If you experience a break down during the conversation and it deteriorates because both of you become so
emotionally distraught over an issue that neither of you can effectively function, declare a "time-out."
If you want to doom this process to failure, keep talking when you are angry. That doesn't work! Agree to
cool off, and come back to talk the next day. It's important to decide on a time to continue.
If no resolution can be reached, perhaps it will be time to schedule a
relationship coaching appointment to have
a third-party assist in negotiating the situation.
• • •
When emotionally charged disagreements occur in the future, and they will, stop short of name-calling, verbal
assault, blaming, etc., and take a time-out to think about what the disagreement is "really" about. Next, use this
process to help you get back on track and watch your relationship go from mediocre to magical.
Old habits die hard, and a couple trying this process for this first time usually will find it an exhausting
experience. Communicating requires a sustained commitment.
It takes 21 to 30 days to establish a new habit. It is a wise couple who will makes plans to take time every day
to share loving conversation about their issues (and the good things too) with their partner. Having a specific time each day is another important factor
that helps to assure the other that the conversation will take place. Keep your commitment. Make a promise to do so and keep it!
Remember, relationships are something that must be worked on "all the time," not only when they are broken
and need to be fixed.
Also remember to mutually agree upon a signal that you can use when one partner begins to get off track, raise
their voice, rehash the past, etc. This is very important. Give the "time-out" signal. Say with a gentle voice
and a forced smile, "You're doing it again" and calmly walk away from the conversation.
Treat each other with kindness. Catch your partner doing something right and acknowledge them for it. Look
for the good in your partner, rather than focus on what you don't like or dwell on past mistakes.
The next time you're feeling frustrated about your relationship, relax and stop trying to make everything perfect.
Learn to accept the things you cannot change. Being too active about pursuing change limits your ability to enjoy
those aspects of your relationship that are already good. Review the
Serenity Prayer.
There is no future in the past. Once you have completed this process, bringing up old stuff over and over
again only and always reopens the wound. What you think about and speak about, you bring about. Think only "good"
thoughts about your partner and watch what happens.
Never criticize, condemn or complain. Avoid the "blame game." It's easy to blame your partner, however,
relationship problems are shared problems. Accept responsibility for your share of the problem and communicate
this to your partner.
These are great guidelines to follow and difficult at best, however, doing so will help you communicate more
clearly and effectively, contribute greatly to the success of your relationship and help you move beyond the #1
problem in relationships. . . undelivered communications.
Communication is a requirement for a healthy, wholesome, happy and successful relationship. There is no other
way. This process will help you create a safe, trusting place to speak openly with your partner.
Trust is the very foundation of a healthy love relationship. There can be no trust without conversation, no
genuine intimacy without trust.
Copyright © - Larry James.
Adapted from the books, "How to Really Love the One You're With" and
"LoveNotes for Lovers."
• If you would like to talk
one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a
private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching
for specific details.
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