with Relationship Speaker/Author/Coach...
Larry James
More. . .
Jokes, Funny Stories,
One-Liners!
Send us your wedding humor by e-mail and if we use it on this site we will send you a surprise by
snail-mail. Be sure to include your full address.
E-mail:
WeddingHumor@CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com
• • •
A couple decide to elope and get married but on the way to the Registry office they are involved in a fatal car crash.
They find themselves standing next to Saint Peter waiting to be let into Heaven.
While waiting for him to finalise the paperwork, the couple ask if it's possible for them to get married in Heaven.
"I dont know," says Saint Peter. "This is the first time I have ever been asked. Let me go and find out."
After eight weeks waiting, Saint Peter returns and tells the couple that they can indeed get married, if they so wish.
However, during the long wait the couple have had time to think long and hard about their relationship and what might
happen if the marriage doesn't work out (eternity is quite a long time after all).
So they ask Saint Peter if they can get divorced if it all goes wrong. Saint Peter goes red in the face and slams down his paperwork:
"Oh come on!" he shouts, "It's taken me two months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"
• • •
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved
back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where
Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up,
but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either
of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turned to
Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "C'mon, we're outta here."
• • •
A married couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks. The husband wanted a new truck; his wife wanted a fast
little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. The husband would have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything
his wife seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look," she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements are pending.
• • •
A Prayer. . .
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods, because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death. Amen.
• • •
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a word of two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next
to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
• • •
Never go to bed man. Stay up and fight! - Phyllis Diller
• • •
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. - Red Skelton
She got a mud pack and looked great for two day. Then the mud fell off. - Red Skelton
• • •
The husband and wife go to a relationship coach after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday, I golf."
• • •
Sign of the times. When a bride was asked where they had registered, she replied, "We are registered at Texaco, Shell, Mobil and Citgo."
• • •
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer requested that her mother exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer pleaded with her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all your wedding is your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
"Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
• • •
The guy was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife - a charming lady - told him, "Tomorrow there
better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat!"
The next morning she found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements are pending.
• • •
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
• • •
Q. What do you call a man who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
• • •
Everything has a gender. You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, and you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course,
there's the hot air that goes with it.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
• • •
A married couple was in a terrible accident and the woman's face was severely burned. Their doctor told the husband that
they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever
had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Honey, I just have
to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your Mother kiss you on the cheek."
• • •
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know... I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out his beer.
• • •
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations
from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
version of looting. - Goerge Carlin
• • •
Two Norwegians from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer,
when all of a sudden Sven says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Ole sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
• • •
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