with Relationship Speaker/Author/Coach...
Larry James
Relationship "Slump Busters"
Part 3 or 5
Larry James
Planet Positions Got You Spaced Out? - Let go of having to "be right!"
Healthy, full functioning couples find happiness is sharing their differences instead of being indifferent to them.
They discover happiness in discussing, in a loving way, areas of mutual concern. It's true! Men and women are
truly different, AND there are similarities.
Healthy couples identify problems, talk openly and honestly about their differences and choose workable solutions.
Integrate your mutual intentions for a healthy, happy relationship or the relationship will evaporate.
Even though it may appear that you are from different planets because you share
so little in your communication, it is possible for you to lay down your ray guns, seek peace and choose to
travel in the same orbit, working together to celebrate your differences in ways that mutually benefit the relationship.
Straight Shooting - Trust is the foundation of a healthy love
relationship and it must be earned. Make an agreement to only allow truthful disclosure in your relationship.
Not telling the truth about how you feel, only telling part of the story, withholding your wants and needs
to your partner slowly erodes the trust in your relationship. Without trust there can be no effective
communication; without effective communication there can be no genuine intimacy. Never lie to your
partner. Honesty always wins.
Push the Envelope - Develop a mutual incentive that will assist you
in motivating each other to be the best you can be. Be inventive in providing the kind of reward
that can be your inspiration to continue the process. Never stop. NEVER! Have the incentive be bigger than you can
imagine and something you can both be excited about, something that will call forth the extra effort required to get you
both back in the groove. How about a romantic getaway in the mountains for a long weekend? Use your imagination.
Mutual agreement is important. Mutually agree that you will do something exciting together when you can
both agree that your new relationship has reached a new plateau.
It is important to understand that a marriage partnership is never 50/50. Relationships seldom feel easy, however,
a relationship is less of a struggle when two people agree to do whatever it takes to make it work. Whatever
it takes doesn't mean "giving it your best shot and if it doesn't work, you move on." It means doing whatever
it takes. Try 100/100. That works much better.
Partners Profit - Share the wealth of information you have learned about
yourself with your partner. Agree to share relationship tips and techniques in a loving way. Agree is the
key word. Be careful that in your sharing you don't consistently "point the finger" by suggesting tips that
you know that they need. A better way might be to share the insights you have noticed that have deeply
affected your thinking and your behavior.
Trash or Treasure? - Start a scrapbook. Stash your memories. Save special
greeting cards, matchbook covers that remind you of great times past, snapshots, a pressed red rose, ticket stubs,
a handwritten poem, a funny valentine. One of my own lifelong desires was to see Frank Sinatra in concert. After the concert
Sandy and I had the two tickets and the program framed to preserve the unforgettable memory of our very special time together.
Breathing Space - Give each other room to grow. No one can grow in the
shade. If you are always hovering over your partner, you are literally smothering the love that could be yours. Partners
need time alone. They need space. Give it willingly. Take time to be alone with your thoughts. This is another way to
attend to your needs.
Manage Your Manners - Be kind to each other. Treat your partner with
respect and dignity. Honor your beloved. Be the first to offer to help your partner in ways you may not have
done before. Extend courtesy. So often we treat our friends better than we treat our partner. Don't fall into
this trap. It's a dead end street. Remember, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" It works.
Count Your Change - Relationships never move in straight lines. They wander. And
create opportunities you'd never expect. Evaluate your progress. Embrace change. Do not resist
it. The smallest pebble in your shoe will irritate you until you do something about it. Be excited about
the changes that occur in your relationship. Learn from them. If you think you do not
have a choice in managing change, think again. The choices you have made in the past have caused the change that brought you
to this moment in time.
Do your relationship differently. Your partner may take a while to notice and perhaps even longer to respond. Be patient.
Notice small steps in the right direction. Praise improvement. It gives rise to inspiration and encourages them to continue.
Life (and your relationship) is not a snapshot! It's a moving picture. Notice what changes you are
experiencing. Share them with your partner. Often a change in attitude toward your partner
will bring about an attitude of change from your partner. Some partners only change when they feel the heat.
Others, when they see the light. The latter is preferable.
Plant the Right Seeds - Always remember. . . you reap what you sow. You
don't plant tomatoes and expect corn to grow. Likewise, you don't sow seeds of bitterness, resentment, anger,
etc., and expect your relationship to thrive. Seeds of doubt clutter up your relationship garden.
When you plant corn, if it does not grow well, don't blame the corn. Look for reasons it is not doing well. When
you find the reasons, (and you may have to dig deep for them), take action and do what needs to be done.
The same goes for planting good thoughts. They will never grow unless nurtured and nourished with love,
understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness. Although blaming has no redeeming value, if you must place
blame, you will be wise to accept responsibility and know that the blame goes to the person looking back
at you in the mirror.
Put Passion Back in Fashion - Passion is not only about sex. It's
about having strong feelings about something. Ever hear of a crime of passion? Passion means many things
to many people. It may be a burning desire to reconnect with your partner in conversation. Demonstrate
passion by passionately working together on your relationship. It can blaze new trails.
No sex? Not much intimacy anymore? Been a long time since you actually made love? Too long? Hummm!
Know this is true: "Relationship problems always show up in the bedroom." Many couples avoid sex when marital issues
surface because they feel emotionally distant. Often couples who come to me
for relationship coaching in the sexual area discover that it's not about sex at all.
A lack of sex is nearly always a symptom of something that needs fixing in the relationship. It's about fixing all
the little nuances that bring on the upsets in your relationship. It is difficult to be turned on to make
love when there are upsets with your partner you have yet to address. Anger, resentment, disappointment,
bitterness and stress do not make good bed partners. Unless there is a medical problem, when you fix these
problems, usually the sex will take care of itself.
Sex is good and pleasure is good for you. Have a desire for more info on sex? Read,
Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers. Want more intimacy in your
relationship? Visit www.CelebrateIntimacy.com!
Copyright © - Larry James.
Adapted from the books, "How to Really Love the One You're With" and
"LoveNotes for Lovers."
• If you would like to talk
one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a
private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching
for specific details.
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