Celebrate Intimate Weddings

with Relationship Speaker/Author/Coach...
Larry James

Simmer Down - Manage your anger. If you have a complaint, only raise it when you are not feeling angry about it. As best you can, speak with loving words and keep it short and to the point. Don't lecture. Keep your examples current. Never use past hurts to illustrate current gripes. It only opens up old wounds and causes your partner to feel that they can never stop paying for past mistakes.

Avoid words like, "never" and "always" or things like, "You're just like your mother/father!" This only pushes your partner's panic buttons and escalates the disagreement.

When your partner expresses a complaint/grievance/criticism, rather than argue the point, listen nondefensively. Rather than counter attack, search for some small part with which you can agree, and acknowledge it. If an apology is called for, offer it. Listening nondefensively can put a damper on an argument expeditiously. Now. . . you can work on a solution together.

Date-Your-Mate - This is especially important if you are married. Once each week plan to spend some time together. I know. You have kids. It's easy to use your children as an excuse. Give it up. Hire a trusted friend to do an overnight and head for the "No-Tell Motel" to light the fire.

Dinner dates are great too, but be creative and discover other options. Take a "hand-in-hand" walk. Visit an arcade and play some games. Think different! Put together a picture puzzle.

Schedule a "Play Date" where you play and have fun together. Go dancing. Have an extended dinner in a nice restaurant. Just a few hours to connect with each other, away from family obligations. No conversations about issues. Focus on having "fun" and really "being" together. It'll make a world of difference in your relationship.

Be Your Partner's Hero - A hero is defined as one that is much admired or shows great courage. The partner who is willing to devote the time and energy necessary to work on making the relationship one they can be proud to be in, is a hero. It takes courage to step up to the plate and take a stand for the relationship. It takes even more courage to begin to "do whatever it takes" to make it work. Talk's cheap! Show me! Be a hero.

Value Added - Conventional business wisdom says that companies maintain market leadership by constantly adding value. Failing to do so is a sure path to demise. The same principle can be applied to relationships. What are you doing on a daily basis to add value to your relationship? Remember everything you do either leads you closer or further from your relationship goal. Perhaps you might consider reinventing your relationship model to include some of the more than 50 ideas presented in this article.

Audioapathy - Empathic listening is a choice. Audioapathy is a word I coined to describe the condition often experienced when partners become apathetic about listening when their partner talks with them. It is a dreaded dis-ease that can poison your relationship. Although it appears that men are more affected than women, some women also get it.

Hearing is involuntary. You can be sound asleep and still hear something or someone, but listening is voluntary. It is an intellectual and emotional choice. It implies effective communication between the sender and the receiver, which hearing does not.

It is a wise partner who, when their partner is talking, puts down the evening newspaper or turns the TV off, makes eye contact and truly listens to what their partner is saying. Very wise. Listen like you mean it. It may be difficult to listen to what they have to say, however, if the truth hurts - be grateful. When your partner talks, listen for the truth about what they are saying instead of going on the defensive. That only keeps you stuck.

It may take courage for your partner to express their feelings if they haven't been used to doing so. To immediately defend your own position (or to disagree or argue) invalidates your partner's feelings and usually serves to turn off future sharing possibilities. Listen for the opportunity to assist the relationship by taking responsibility for what you may be doing that trips their trigger and causes them to make a choice to feel the way they do.

How often do we just wait for our partner's lips to stop moving so we can say something? Empathic listening gets inside your partner's frame of reference. You see their world the way they see it, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they "feel." Listening is one way to connect to others without trying to fix them.

Apathetic listeners breed contempt, resentment and often the person who desperately needs to be heard eventually shuts down. A lack of effective communication is the number one problem in relationships.

Try this. Listen to your partner without the burden of having to "do" anything other than give them room to talk. Listen more and talk less. You can't learn anything when you're talking. How do you spell success in a relationship? Be wise. Listen.  L-I-S-T-E-N.

Voice Power - Practice voice modulation; change your voice pitch and avoid crescendos at all cost. Raising your voice to your partner (some would call this yelling), is the worse form of communication. It is emotionally abusive, unfair and shows a high level of disrespect for your love partner.

If your partner raises their voice, whether man or woman, back off physically from them, lower your voice to slightly more than a whisper sending a signal that you are not willing to listen if the yelling continues. Let them know that you are willing to mutually discuss the situation in a calm and respectful manner.

If you cannot peacefully reach this agreement, leave the scene of the disagreement. Generally speaking, a louder voice demands attention. If you go away, you deny them the attention they so disrespectfully demand. It is a smart partner who withdraws rather than becoming a partner in a shouting match.

A quiet loving voice manner is respectful and will always get you more of what you want. It is not necessary to raise your voice when talking face-to-face. It demonstrates immaturity and is childish. Watch your decibels.

Discover Your Partner's Hot Buttons - Push them spontaneously. I'm not talking about the ones you've been pushing, but the ones you should push. Like turn-ons. Know what makes your partner happy, excited and blissful. You must pay attention to do this. Make notes if you must to help you remember. Often what they need is only a warm and tender hug, a kiss on the neck or an unexpected full-body massage.

• "The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change until we notice how our failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds." - R. D. Laing, Scottish Psychiatrist

Pay attention!

Search Engine - Get your engine going and search for solutions to small issues to head them off before they grow into something unmanageable. Plan ahead. Preventative maintenance works. Take a look at all the problem areas of your relationship and begin the work that needs to be done.

Remember, a relationship is something that needs to be worked on all the time, not only when it is broken and needs to be fixed.

Write! "Right!" - Journal. Put your private and personal feelings on paper. It is important to get your thoughts out of your head and make them tangible by putting them in writing. Often the thoughts you have about your relationship are disconnected from the real issue. Your mind skips from one thought to the next so rapidly you have no time to focus on thinking about what really matters. When you can see your thoughts on paper it helps you to more effectively deal with the situation. Read, For Your Eyes Only for a more in depth look at journaling.

Time-out - Make time to think about your relationship, your partner and the progress you are making. Thinking can stimulate your mind to action. Listen to your heart. It always tells the truth. It is far better to concentrate on the good than to dwell on the hurts of the past. Listening is the foundation for concentration. In your time-out look for the truth about the direction you need to take.

When difficulties arise, be a relationship tweaker. Don't wait. Do something, preferably with your partner, that will quickly get your relationship back on track.

Remember, there is always more than one way to do anything. There is no "one way." There are only many ways to reach your relationship goals. You have but to be open to them. Together, choose a solution that you can both support and fine-tune it. Instead of living with old memories, create some new ones. . . together. Think openly, with no boundaries or rules and watch the creative juices flow and the ideas come forth.

Also be aware that ideas are a dime a dozen, however the people who put them into action are priceless. Studies have shown that as an activity becomes more difficult, the brain becomes more active. Take time to ponder the number of choices that are available.

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Part 5

Copyright © - Larry James. Adapted from the books, "How to Really Love the One You're With" and "LoveNotes for Lovers."

•  If you would like to talk one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching for specific details.

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